Sueing Middle Earth!
by silver sockeater
Summary: Peta an over obbsessive lord of the ring fan is thrown into middle earth and things dont work out like they should in every other mary sue tale. forgive the author for sucking at summaries! just read it!
1. Default Chapter

The tale of a Mary sue

Another story hee yes well I'm expecting a lot of nasty reviews but before you press the review button to flame me just don't flame

Btw I don't own lord of the rings!

Btw many of u might recognize this story that's because my account got deleted by accident.. at least I think it was an accident.

Review!

Peta was very unhappy, the best term for it was, pissed off.

Peta was pissed off because she was sitting in customs at Brisbane airport. (Australia for the ignorant people from those other continents, which neglects their geography.)

Peta had just been from back to Australia from Germany in isolated containment.

She had been sent back from Europe because;

A: She didn't have a passport.

B: She looked rabid.

C: She had stalked Orlando bloom from two weeks straight (the first week she had a restraining order placed on her) screaming that she knew his secret, that he was an elf.

This dispute was later settled in court where Peta decided that she would only speak elvish. Here is a section of the dialog from the court case.

"My client Mr. Bloom says you stalked him, is that true?"

"Namarie Arwen nagga daga thia, Galadriel haldir elassar."

This was in fact, all the elvish she knew.

Anyway, England sent her to Germany on a jet. (much to the disappointment of the Germans)

Peta sat at the airport for six days shouting the only German she knew "ELF" (11)

Germany, whose airport security is slightly better than England's actually asked if she had a passport. When they found out she did not it was back to Australia

Peta's parents were called when Germany called down under to say that she immigrated. After three hours of "how could you?" Peta decided she had had enough and went top to the bathroom. She looked at the long line of cubicles; finally she came a stall that had a sign on it reading

**OUT OF ORDER (ALSO POTAL TO MIDDLE EARTH)**

Peta didn't believe this at all. It was just an excuse so the cleaners had one less toilet to clean. She pulled open the door and just as her buttocks were touching the seat she heard a pop, and there she was in middle earth.

Legolas was having a VERY bad day. He had traveled all the way from Mirkwood to Rivendel to hear a message from Aragon and found it was:

You are a gullible Nancy boy.

HAHA

Your friend Aragon

Legolas decided to take his anger out on the forest and go and kill things; good or bad. He was just about to kill an unsuspecting but, slightly evil sparrow, when he heard a scream and a loud thump. He quickly finished the slow BUT slightly evil sparrow and went off in search of the squealer.

)) 

Legolas looked at the strange girl with her pants around her ankle, lying against the tree trunk. He poked her in the leg with the end of his bow and got no reaction. "Must be dead." Grinning he turned and ran off to tell his discovery to the twins, leaving a merely unconscious Mary sue in the forest… alone.

It was very dark when Peta woke up; the first thing she did was stand up then fell back down on her face; because her pants tripped her. Quickly she pulled them up, trying to find something to cling onto.

"Crap where am I? I must have fallen asleep on the toilet and now there has been a power outage." Peta then sat back down on the ground, trying to feel the cubicle door. All she felt was leaves.

"Okay I'm not in the toilets anymore." Slowly she got up and began to wander through the pitch black. Every so often she would run into a tree. After an hour of this Peta got tired and sat down where ever she may be and went to sleep.

Yes completely stupid no plot… but I thought it was funny and maybe you did too! Review!


	2. chapter 2 poo!

sorry i havnt updated so ill give you 2 and 3 today thanks to all my reviewers , all 2 of you. that means that the rest of you guys are not good readers, if you were you would review.

sueing middle earth

Chapter two

When Legolas got back to the castle he bolted up to his room and looked in the mirror. "EW my skin is all sweaty and gross, I look like a mortal." So he had a quick 30 minute shower and got dressed into his fifth set of clothes for the day (Much to the maids annoyance) then ran into the gardens to meet his friends.

Elladan, Elrohir and Estel were sitting around the duck pond feeding moist cake to the poor doomed ducks (it hardens in your stomach and kills you painfully) while talking about absolute crap.

"Hey triple E, guess what?" Legolas said sitting down next to Elladan and as far as possible from Estel, he still remembered the note.

Legolas, being tall, blond and excessively attractive, was usually the butt of the group's jokes and was never taken seriously.

The four however had been friends for at least 6 years and were known as the local trouble makers in Rivendel. They were thought of in modern terms a gang, the EEEL gang to be precise.

The EEEL's would hang out everyday doing ridiculously stupid and cruel things; like killing Elrond's ducks.

Elladan sighed and played along. "I don't know what?"

"Who cares? Legolas help us kill the natural wildlife," Estel said handing him a chunk of cake.

Legolas ignored his EX-best friend's comment and continued talking to the twins. "I was walking in the woods and I found a dead body."

"What's new? We have seen loads of corpses before." Elladan threw a chunk of cake into the water.

"This one is a girl," Legolas protested.

This comment caught their attention. "Is she fair?" Estel questioned.

"Why would you care? All you ever do is waste your time stalking the evenstar," Legolas said sullenly.

"I can have multiple interests."

The four threw the remaining cake into the water and ran into the forest off to find the dead body, leaving a trail of destruction behind them.

))

Peta woke up in the forest to the normal woody sounds. (Crow dying and a chipmunk taking a dump) She wandered around for about an hour trying to find her way to some form of civilization. Eventually she realized that she was going to have to live the rest of her life out in the woods, so she found a nice big tree and tried to remember back to her Girl Guide days. Unfortunately these thoughts were replaced by thoughts of the Disney movie Tarzan.

"My house…" Peta stood in front of her new home and smiled. She had tried to build in the tree, but it was too hard so she started on the ground. She had collected branches of various lengths and built a small hut out of it. Peta had then gathered lots of leaves and used them as flooring. As camouflage from not so nice creatures, she caked the branches in mud and left it to dry.

In other words Peta's new house looked just like Eeyore's house covered in mud.

Peta then realized she was very hungry. So she went off in search of food. Soon she found a bush covered in nice dark purple berries. Peta being a stupid sue, stuffed her face with the berries then she sat back against the tree and patted her stomach, satisfied.

Suddenly, Peta twitched, her pupils grew to the size of bowling balls and she mouth started to froth.

Peta stood up and grinned like the mad monkey woman she was. She felt GREAT! She felt like she could do anything. She was Peta the mad monkey woman; Queen of the forest. She ripped up her jeans with her bare teeth, so now they resembled an uneven loincloth/shredded pair jeans.

Next she pulled her shirt over the top of her head so she looked a wild soccer fan.

Peter wasn't the most gorgeous looking girl ever, she was a little on the scrawny, flea bitten side with golden brown hair that looked greenish in the light. Not to mention she was only 5'1.

She then proceeded to run about the forest wildly screeching obscenities whilst throwing herself from tree to tree.

The four friends were trekking through the forest when they heard a scream. "TITTY RETARD COCKNOCKERS!" Then a loud thump.

"What the hell was that?" Elladan asked in bewilderment.

"It came from over here," Estel said, who was famous for being able to track a mosquito in a thunderstorm. They followed the strange tracks until they came to Peta's hut.

It had collapsed under the weight of the mud. The four took not of the strange stick appearance and continued on.

"It could be the Blair Bitch," Estel whispered to Legolas, making him paranoid for the rest of the story.

"Oh Shit," Elrohir muttered. Lying on the ground in a pile of dead leaves was Peta. She was deadly pale and had mud camouflage lines under her eyes.

Legolas recoiled in disgust, it looked like it was starting to rot and probably festering with germs. Estel felt for a pulse. "It's alive!"

"Zombie!" Legolas cried and jumped into the nearest tree.

"I dare you to touch it," Elladan said to his brother. Elrohir cautiously inched for and stuck out his hand, gingerly he reached forward and tapped Peta's foot before leaping back behind Estel.

Estel rolled his eyes. "Come off it, look it's just a rabid man child who is lost in the woods, she looks sick let's take her back to Elrond."

"Fine but I'm not carrying her." Legolas said sullenly.

Estel heaved the girl over his shoulder and the group head back home.

Lol reviews encourage!


	3. chapter 3 pee

This chapter was funny but then next chapter will be beta! Love you reviewers see i told you i would gire you 2 chapters tonight.

suing middle earth

Chapter 3

Peta woke up to strange voices, her head hurt incredibly and she felt dizzy. When Peta opened her eyes she realized her was being carried down a long hallway, her carrier turned into a large room and closed the door behind him.

She tried to talk but her mouth felt disconnected from the rest of her. "WANKER DICKHEADS LET ME GO YOU SHIT EATERS!" The words were torn out of her mouth.

Estel cried out and dropped Peta in surprise. "OOF." Peta landed flat on her back on the hard floor, she sat up and looked around her. Four strange men surrounded her, two identical brunettes, a greasy looking fellow and a blonde with a look of pure terror on his face. With his hands clasped on either side of his head, his mouth open as far as it would go and his blue eyes wide in horror he looked like the cute little kid off home alone.

"WHAT'S UP YOUR ASS DICKWEED?" Peta jumped up and lunged at the petrified blonde, and flung her leg out at him, kicking him in the family investments. Legolas shrieked and fell over clutching himself whilst rocking backward and forward whimpering.

Peta shook herself, what the hell had just happened? She couldn't control herself. Then the thought struck her, she was insane. It all made sense now, waking up in a forest, finding these men and not being able to control what she says and does. Her train of thought was broken when the brunettes started to roar with laughter.

Peta stood up. These men were giants compared to her, at least one foot taller than her.

The three stopped laughing and looked at her cautiously. Peta decided to try and make friends with these strange people and she straightened up, cleared her throat and said, "I come to you in peace."

Unfortunately it didn't come out sounding like that, more like, "I come to you SHIT FOR BRAINS!"

Greasy looking man started to talk to the others in a strange tongue, "googly goggly toogle dop." she is dangerous we should tie her up incase she escapes.

The brunettes nodded and before Peta could say PISS OFF she was bound to a chair and gagged by the men.

"Get up Legolas," Estel said.

Slowly Legolas got up off the ground and shot a death stare at Peta. These people were really strange they were all wearing leggings and shirts long enough to be dresses. The one called Legolas had white blonde hair pulled back off his face, blue eyes and pasty skin. The brunettes looked the same except they had slightly darker skin dark brown hair and green eyes. The greasy haired man had greasy hair a goatee and tan skin.

They all looked very freakish, then again so did Peta.

There was a loud knock at the door. "What's going on in there I heard screaming."

The door opened and a man who looked just like the brunettes except about 50 years older stood in the doorway. "Oh it's just you." he then looked at Peta in utter confusion.

"We found her in the woods, we think she's crazy." Elladan explained.

The man walked over to her and pulled off the gag. "PISS OFF OLD FART!" Peta lashed forward and sunk her teeth into the mans hand. The man yelled and pulled his hand back.

After he had recovered he said to her, "You ate the purple berries didn't you?" Peta nodded ashamed.

"That was stupid, those berries are poisonous, you have got temporary turrets syndrome, don't worry you'll be fine by tomorrow."

Peta sighed in relief, she wasn't insane. "Where am I?"

"In Rivendel, what were you doing in the forest?" Elladan asked.

"I was in the bathroom and then I fell and I woke up in the forest STUPID BITCH!" The men jumped back in surprise.

"Sorry." Peta muttered.

"We are going to leave you in here until you are better, we will let you out tomorrow okay?" Elrond said then left the room to bandage his hand.

"How will I sleep?" Peta protested.

Estel pulled out his sword and hit Peta over the head with the hilt. "This way."

"We aren't going to let her stay are we?" Legolas whined. "She's a menace not to mention full of germs."

"She can take a bath, your not scared of her are you Legolassy?" Elladan teased.

Legolas didn't answer and walked off to his room to sulk.

"What do you think about her falling out of the sky story?" Elrohir asked his brother.

"Bullshit."

"Yeah me too."

"Let's go finish off the ducks."

Heh review!


	4. chapter 4 more

The blatant tale of a Mary sue

Chapter four

Ok I need 3 willing Mary sues who are ready to participate in the next chapters making random appearances, or wot not because I haven't thought that far into it but if u want to be one just say so and tell me the name that you want to be in the fic.

Please make names realistic or Ur not in it 1st in best dressed. CAITLIN YOUR ARNT ALLOWED TO DO IT!

Enjoy melamin.

Ps: thanks all reviewers Ur support influences me to be more stupid in my writing :D.

Peta woke up and wished she hadn't. She could feel the bump on her head that Estel had given her pulsing. The door opened and a girl stepped in with a broom. "Hey excuse me." The girl looked up, she was fairly pretty, not miss universe though. She had long black hair pulled up in a messy bun and dark brown eyes. She looked like she was from Egypt or something.

"Um hi can you please untie me?" The girl cocked her head to the side.

"Yes." The girl continued to sweep the floor.

"Anytime would be good." The girl still didn't do anything. "Please?"

The girl finished sweeping and stood up. "You are in needing help you are?"

"Yes help," Peta cried desperately.

"I help, you teach English," she said folding her arms over she chest.

"Okay I teach you English, help!" The girl smiled brightly and skipped over to Peta. When she was halfway to the chair she tripped over her feet and fell flat on her face. She got up then untied Peta from her chair.

Then for the next 20 minutes Peta taught the girl the English language.

"Thanks, my name is Ignazia," Ignazia said.

"Your welcome, I'm Peta."

"Come, I'll show you to breakfast," Ignazia said. The two walked down the hall conversing happily.

"And I went into the bathroom and poof I was here, they gave me job here and now I live here with elves," Ignazia explained. Peta nodded thoughtfully

"Elves?" It couldn't be true. Yes it was the elf told her she was in Rivendel. Peta was in middle earth. Oh dear god help us all.

They walked into a large room with a table and chairs. Peta presumed the elves pr to be Elrond, Estel, Elladan, Elrohir and Legolas were all seated, eating.

"Oh good morning Ignazia and… what was you name again?" Elrond asked.

"Peta."

"Peta eh? I could have sworn you were a girl," Elrond mused to himself.

"I AM a girl," she replied crossly, taking a seat near Estel and Legolas. Legolas calmly got up and walked to another chair as far from Peta as humanly possible.

Peta chose to ignore the rejection and looked at Elladan. He was pretty hot. Elladan looked at Peta. She was pretty…. Pretty ugly! Peta also decide to ignore the I-about-to–puke-all-over-you look that Elladan gave her.

"I have summoned Gandalf to tell you why you and a few others are here. He knows pretty much everything in middle earth."

"I am here already," The old man with a dilapidated blue cloak and hat on. His beard was old and gray, like the rest of him.

"You're early," Estel commented.

"I will arrive exactly when I mean to," the old man replied.

"He gives that crappy speech every time he visits," Elladan whispered to Peta.

Gandalf sat down opposite Peta. "So you're the hapless victim this time," Peta gave him a quizzical stare. "You're here because you humans in your techno crap way of the future world have caused enough green house gases to kill several species of frog. You've also managed to wear away at the layers that hold your world together."

"The ozone layer?" Peta asked.

"No, the dimension layers. You have fallen through one of the holes in the dimension and unfortunately it has led to our world, middle earth." Gandalf pulled out a pipe and started smoking it.

"How long am I stuck here?" Peta questioned.

"Forever, thank god you're only a mortal." He took a long drag from the pipe.

"So every time someone sits on that toilet they come here?" Elrond asked.

"Yeah, pretty much." Everyone at the table got really depressed.

"Can I have a bath and some clothes please?" Peta asked looking down at her half naked state.

"Yeah sure, take what you need." Elrond had bigger problems on his plate at the moment. Was it possible to stick a cork in the hole?

Ignazia showed Peta to her room. Legolas had put a request in that it was nowhere near his. Peta's room was quite cute in a medieval fashion. A cane bed near the large window, a chair in the corner for reading and a closet for her clothes. "Through there is a bath for you, it is filled with hot water there are some clothes in your wardrobe."

Peta pulled off her shredded clothes and got in the bath. She washed her elbow length hair with the shampoo that was left beside the tub. She found a nice pink towel and dried off then went in search of clothes.

In her wardrobe there were two dresses; a blue one and a red one. She chose the blue one and magically it was way too long. Still it was pretty and a dress so she hoiked up the skirts and went to the dresser. Peta brushed out her hair and pulled it into a pony tail. Now she looked pleasing to the eye, if you tilted your head to the left and squinted; like an abstract painting.

There was a knock at the door and Peta answered it. Elladan and Elrohir stood there grinning like ravenous hyenas. "Hello." Peta let them in.

"We have a proposition for you," Elrohir began, "we were wondering if you would like to become our apprentice?"

"We'd teach you how to sneak around act, like an elf. If you help us."

"What kind of help?" Peta asked suspiciously, last time someone asked for help she had been mugged.

"Legolas fears you, you hold a power over us, help us scar the nancy boy for life and we'll let you be seen with us." Elladan explained.

Legolas had been a real jerk to her, so she guessed it couldn't make matters worse, besides she needed a friend, there was no such thing as a Nigel Sue. "Deal!"

Whoa four chapters review! Remember ppl needed


	5. five dive!

The blatant tale of a Mary sue chapter 5

Congrats to Nat, Megan, Sara and Brooke you are official Mary sues in my story you will appear in random order through in story not in this chapter but I have plans for u. thanks to the others who tried out. On with the story

"'Twas the night before all hell broke loose, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

Legolas' weapons were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that in the morning they would still be there;

The victim was nestled all snug in his bed,

While visions of hair brushes danced in his head;

And Peta in her 'kerchief, (DON'T ASK) and the twins in their caps,

Had just prepared to get Legolas whilst he naps,

When out in the hall…"

"PETA SHUT THE HELL UP!" Elladan cried. Why the hell had they taken her as an apprentice?

Peta look upset for a moment then grinned happily as she held up one of Arwen's lipsticks and a handful of saw dust. Elladan saw them and returned the grin.

"Come on night won't last forever we have a lot of work to do," Elrohir snapped seeing Peta and his brothers 'moment'.

The bed containing Legolas creaked as he rolled over, Peta stifled a giggle.

The three invaders crept over to the prince's vanity which was covered in hairbrushes of all lengths, shapes and sizes. Atop of the vanity was the biggest mirror Peta had ever seen. All three cringed at how vain this man was.

"Elrohir, you're his height, where would his face be?" Elrohir stood in front of the mirror. "Good don't move," Elladan said.

Peta tried to reach the spot on the mirror that was level with Elrohir's face but she was far too short. "Elladan I can't reach," she whispered.

Elladan rolled his eyes and took the lipstick off her and began his work.

Legolas' eyes fluttered open. It was such a beautiful day; perfect weather to look at himself in the mirror. He happily plodded over to his favourite place in the room saying the morning ego enlarger. "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts MY FACE! MY BEUATIFUL FACE! WHAT HAS BEFALLEN YOU?" Legolas screamed and ran into the bathroom. He jumped into the freezing cold water and scrubbed at his face.

He jumped out of the shower, slipped over once and banged his elbow on the door and ran to the mirror.

"NOOOOO!" his face was covered in horrendous blood red spots. Legolas quickly worked out what must have happened. That mortal girl Peta must have infected him with one of those mortal diseases.

He ran to his wardrobe and threw on the first set of clothes he could find; a pair of brown leggings and red undershirt. Then he stormed out the door in search of the germ carrier.

Ignazia was doing her morning rounds when she saw Legolas walking briskly down the corridor. "Good morning Prince Legolas," she said cheerfully.

"Don't come near me mortal wench!" He cried. Ignazia's face crumpled and she burst into a flood of tears and tried to run away but tripped over. Legolas just continued down the hall.

Peta had just come out of the dinning room when she saw her friend Ignazia on the floor drowning in her own tears. "What's wrong?" She helped the girl up and took her to a spare room.

When Ignazia had run the country out of tissues and had stopped hyperventilating she started to talk. "I said good morning to the prince and he called me a wench!" after that phrase she burst into tears again.

Peta's eyes narrowed and she squeezed one of Ignazia's used tissues causing the contents to dribble down her arm onto the floor. Legolas had taken his dislike for mortals too far!

Suddenly Elladan and Elrohir bust into the room grinning and laughing. "Peta guess what? Legolas thinks that you gave him the red spots on his face and he's about to go on a killing spree, for all mortals!"

Peta paled considerably. "Oh that's right Peta, you are a mortal, oh well it was nice knowing you." Elrohir said quickly then ran from the room to get good seats for Legolas's final act.

Ignazia look at Peta confused. "He didn't have any red spots on him when I saw him."

"We played a joke on him by drawing red spots on his mirror and now he thinks he has a disease," Peta explained, "I have to stop him before he kills all the mortals!" Peta and Ignazia ran out the door off in search of the murderous elf.

Legolas looked down at Rivendel, it was the busiest time of the day and the entire mortal population were outside spreading their festering diseases. He walked up the steps of the tower until he reached the top. He carefully pulled an arrow from his quiver and nocked it in his bow. Legolas pulled the string taught and aimed at a stable boy called Tom who was known for watching the maidens going to the toilet.

Peta and Ignazia took the steps three at a time to the top. Both were heavily panting as they carried Legolas's cure up the stairs. Legolas was just about to release his arrow when they reached the top. "No Legolas don't do it!" Peta yelled. Legolas swiftly turned around pointed his arrow at Peta.

"You," he said between clenched teeth. "You tried to kill me with one of you diseases now you must pay!"

"No look!" Peta and Ignazia pulled the cloth off the item they had been carrying. Legolas gasped and dropped his bow and arrow. He ran over to the full size mirror and peered at his reflection. "Their gone! I'm cured!" He cried mesmerized by his own reflection. Peta rolled her eyes. Finally Legolas stood up straight. "Thank you mortal girls, you have cured me. Allow me to make it up to you. EEEL is going on a hunting trip tomorrow we would be honoured if you two would come and be our slaves."

Before Peta could tell him where to go and what to do Ignazia blurted out, "We'd be honoured to."

Legolas beamed and thought of Peta darning his socks. Peta scowled and thought of pulling out a semi automatic weapon and blowing their heads in. Ignazia grinned and thought about not tripping over in front of everyone.

And so ends another chapter and I promise 2 Mary sues will be introduced next chapter!


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